20 Plus Years

Hi, my name is Wade and I'm a good friend of the person who created this site. I was tagged with the virus over 20 years ago. Waaaay back before the internet and right at the height of the media splashing Herpes on the cover of both Time and Newsweek. Except as a coming out story for some new rock star, they painted those with the virus as carrying this heavy baggage of sexual death and relationship hell. And, if the face of Erectile Dysfunction medication today is 2 older folks sitting in claw footed tubs looking out over a pristine horizon, with the satisfaction of a boner in the bathtub, back then Herpes was positioned with the look of one partner feeling ashamed and flaccid while the other clung on to the likelihood that they were one fuck away from a sad and disgraced life. When I contracted the virus, I felt as if I was the only one in the world who had this. I went through many months of denial. I couldn't tell anyone. I felt like most people do today when they first are diagnosed, ashamed and dirty. Man, I even passed it on to someone I cared deeply about, but messed up the relationship by not telling them about my having it (which, I must admit, still haunts me to this day). Back then, what compounded the problem was lack of information. Stories of inspiration regarding how people dealt with the virus found only in the rare letter sent in to Anne Landers. But today, with the internet we have sites like this and others like MPwH (a herpes dating site) that remind us, inspire us, to know that herpes isn't the death sentence its made out to be. And, that for the most part, the mainstream media is still behind the curve of how to live and love with this annoyance.

And, while we all will cope with it differently, please keep in mind some things...Do your best not to let the diagnosis define you. While my friend can share this with his friends and family, I choose to keep it close to the vest, except in the online world. For me, it's because I don't want folks to qualify me as, "...that's Wade, he's the one with herpes..." (and let's be honest, I'm pretty confident that the majority of us have had others mention someone they know with that type of description. And, I'm sure we went along not acknowledging our having it too!!).

What really bothers me most about herpes is the name. Herpes - sounds reptilian. I swear, if it had another name it would be easier for people to talk about it (think about it, what sounds better, HIV or AIDS? Now, I'm not mitigating anything, but we sure do rally around AIDS differently.) I've thought long and hard about this and wish we could come up with some other marker, but haven't been successful. Please, do your best to not call it "my gift." While that sounds good, it's not a gift. It is a medical condition and it can be passed on to others. Please, please, do your best not to call it that. But, should anyone have a great name other than Herpes, I'd love to hear it. I think calling it "H" is good. A couple of years ago, Steely Dan came out with a song called the "H gang." I wondered if Donald Becker or the other guy has it?

What I like best about Herpes is that it has been my experience that other people who have it like sex! And, what's good about that is that being with someone with H isn't about just having sex, it's knowing that you can at any time without worry. That's a good feeling. I have dated both people who have it and those who don't. I've had people run screaming when I've told them and I've had relationships where my partner understood that it was just an annoyance and they didn't worry about it. Either way, it's up to you to get over it! And, I agree with my friend, don't take that sarcastically, but be proactive! Let the other person know, upfront, as soon as possible. Do not beat your self up over the diagnosis, but do give yourself some time to deal with the negative emotions - BECOME INFORMED.

Better yet, should you ever read about a herpes trial for a new medication or treatment partake in that study!!! About ten years ago I was part of a trial group that was in a controlled study for a new herpes medication. For a year I went through the protocol. During that time in my life, I was having regular outbreaks. During the study, I went an entire year without an outbreak. After the study was completed, I learned it was for what is now known as Valtrex. So, GET INVOLVED and STAY INFORMED! Lastly, help others. Should you have the opportunity to speak with someone who's diagnosed and having a hard time, talk with them. And, should you feel the need and if you can, if a friend or acquaintance says something negative or ill informed, set them straight!

At the end of the day, being in a long lasting, loving relationship is what we all want. Having H is just a small hurdle in finding and keeping true love!

Should anyone want to contact me, I can be reached at the following address:

Sincerely,

Wade